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[3:42] “Nolan was a two I call him a two-round IVF baby. He was our second-round IVF and then Maddux was actually our third-round IVF baby.”

In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a complex series of procedures that can lead to a pregnancy. During IVF, mature eggs are collected from ovaries and fertilized by sperm in a lab. Then a procedure is done to place one or more of the fertilized eggs, called embryos, in a uterus, which is where a pregnancy develops. 

One cycle of IVF usually involves one month to assess the uterus, another month to suppress ovarian function, and then 2 weeks of ovarian stimulation that may lead to egg retrieval. The eggs retrieved may undergo a procedure to be frozen, may be fertilized in the lab, or transferred to a uterus. For many, a single cycle of IVF, involving the preparatory month, is a 2–3-month process. 

One full cycle of IVF takes about 2 to 3 weeks. A 2 or 3 round IVF cycle means that eggs are collected from 2 or 3 consecutive cycles and fertilized; the best quality embryos are then transferred in a final procedure and any additional embryos can be frozen and stored for later use. 

[5:25] “And so, we decided, my wife decided at that point to be induced and then just have a natural birth with medics.” 

“Natural birth with medics” refers to delivering Maddox vaginally with the support of medication.  

[31:20] “And I was always very open and and and talking about what happened, the results that we got after it was a cord accident for Maddux.”

The term “cord accident” is often used when a baby dies before birth and the umbilical cord appears to be involved, but it’s important to understand that this is a non-specific and informal term, not a clear medical diagnosis. The phrase “cord accident” refers broadly to situations in which the cord’s function may have been compromised enough to affect the baby’s oxygen supply, possibly leading to stillbirth.

Umbilical cord abnormalities, such as a tight cord around the neck (nuchal cord), true knots, or cord prolapse, can sometimes interfere with oxygen flow. However, many of these findings—especially nuchal cords—are common and usually harmless. A nuchal cord is found in about one-third of births and, in most cases, does not cause any harm to the baby. When the cord is unusually compressed, twisted, or positioned in a way that repeatedly cuts off oxygen, it may contribute to a rare but tragic outcome. It’s important to recognize that while the cord can sometimes play a role in stillbirth, most cord findings are not dangerous, and using the term “cord accident” can sometimes oversimplify complex causes of fetal loss that are not yet well understood in the medical community.

Resources

General

Return to Zero HOPE: Partners’ Grief: A Unique Experience Blog

Return to Zero HOPE: Resources for LGBTQ+ Families 

Companion Website: LGBTQ+ Reproductive Loss

Words of Advice: LGBTQ+ Reproductive Loss

Magazines and stories

USA Based: Resources on pregnancy loss, stillbirth and infant loss for LGBTQ+ parents  

USA Based: Empty Arms Bereavement/LGBTQ Resources 

Sue Ryder: Supporting the LGBTQ+ community through grief and bereavement

Digital collages for parents and support people  

Books

Reproductive Losses: Challenges to LGBTQ Family-Making

Podcasts

River’s Story, Lesbian Parenting and Travelling with Grief with Jaimie-Lee Roy

Academic articles

Stories of Grief and Hope: Queer Experiences of Reproductive Loss 

Pregnancy Loss In Lesbian And Bisexual Women: An Online Survey Of Experiences

Breaking the Silence: Infertility, Motherhood, and Queer Culture

Videos

Loss in the LGPTQ+ Community

Trans and Gender Diverse Family Building for Providers

[10:33] “We were really lucky. We got, we had access to a CuddleCotTM. We were able to spend some time with Wilder and really process the loss of him.”

CuddleCotsTM provide continuous regulated cooling enabling families extended time to take photos, create memories, welcome extended family, receive support and make arrangements without feeling rushed.

[20:38] “My name is Brandon Drouillard and I work for the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Network as Education Coordinator and a pregnancy and infant loss educator”.

The Pregnancy and Infant Loss Network (PAIL) is an Ontario, Canada-based provincial program that provides free, peer-led support to families who have experienced pregnancy loss at any stage or the death of a baby up to 12 months of age. Operating under Sunnybrook Health Sciences Centre DAN Women and Babies Program, PAIL Network offers various support services, including community-based and online peer support groups, to help grieving families connect and heal.

Read more about Brandon Drouillard, PAIL Network Education Coordinator

[27:49] “There's not a lot of support out there, you know, for people who experience the loss of a child like this, like I can't even remember if Kim was able to get her maternity benefits through EI at that point”.

Employment Insurance (EI) Maternity Benefits in Canada provide financial support for up to 15 weeks to eligible birth parents, including surrogates, who cannot work due to pregnancy and childbirth.

Resources

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Network Resource Library

Articles:

• A grief ignored: narratives of pregnancy loss from a male perspective
• Article: Men’s grief following pregnancy loss and neonatal loss: a systematic review and emerging theoretical model

Books:

• The Way Men Heal
• Grieving Beyond Gender: Understanding diverse grieving styles
• Grieving Dads: To the brink and back
• Loving Your Baby
  

Magazine:Still standing: A father’s grief

Website:Fatherly.com (search: “pregnancy loss”)

• CuddleCotsTM provide continuous regulated cooling enabling families extended time to take photos, create memories, welcome extended family, receive support and make arrangements without feeling rushed.
  

[5:33] “And I was like, that was like, that doesn't look like a Playland wristband, that looks like a hospital wristband”

Playland is Vancouver's oldest and most famous amusement park, located at the Pacific National Exhibition (PNE) fairgrounds. It offers a wide variety of rides, attractions, midway games, and food options.

[7:17] “Yeah. When you guys all got home, your mom has also shared that there was some play therapy that she had you in. Do you remember going to play therapy?”

Play therapy is an approach to therapy, primarily used with children, that uses the power of play to help process emotions, address social, emotional or behavioural difficulties and achieve optimal growth and development. It is particularly effective for younger children who may lack the verbal skills to express themselves directly, as play serves as their means of communication.

[8:07] “The play therapy did teach me a thing called heartstrings, and when I felt like sad or just, I missed my mom, or I felt like I didn't have any control over my life, I would pull my heart strings, and my mom would pull her heart strings, and then we would be connected.”

“Heartstrings” is a form of play therapy based on the popular book, The Invisible String. In the story, a mother tells her two children that everyone is connected by an invisible string made of love. "Even though you can't see it with your eyes, you can feel it deep in your heart". It is used as a tool for coping with all kinds of separation anxiety, as well as loss and grief, to help children understand they are always connected to the ones they love.

[33:28] “There's this great quote that for kids, it's sort of like puddle jumping, you know, and they're in it, and it's huge, and then they jump out and they play and have fun.”

Puddle jumping is a term created by Carla Mitchel to describe how children grieve. Children hop in and out of grieving just like they hop in and out of puddles. It can look like they do not grieve. They grieve a bit and then go on playing. Children do not have the capacity to hold that much pain all at once. Their nervous systems cannot handle the intensity of grief, so they go in and out of it.

[33:37] “And then for adults, it's like they're in this leg just wading through this ocean of grief. I believe it's Julie Stokes from Winston's Wish, who said it that way, and I think she's right on.”

Julie Stokes from Winston's Wish (PDF) describes adults' grief like canoeing in a river. They tend to stay in their emotions for longer periods. Their nervous systems can handle it. While adults can sit in grief for longer, they always come out of it too.

[34:03] “I sometimes refer to our 2-3-4-year-olds as our most disenfranchised grievers that get quite quickly pushed to the sidelines, because sometimes people feel like, well, they're too young, so we don't even have the conversations with them.”

Disenfranchised grief refers to grief which arises, but the loss is not socially recognized or supported. This can lead to feelings of isolation and unrecognized pain. Examples include grief following the death of a former spouse or grief for victims of a mass tragedy in which you did not know anyone personally but are deeply affected.

[8:59] “We got a phone call to come in shortly after supper time to be induced”.

Inducing labour means a health care provider uses medical methods (medications) to start contractions and begin labour before it starts naturally.

[12:47] “So I did actually have a Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep photographer…”

Since 2005 Now I Lay me Down To Sleep has gifted families experiencing the loss of a baby volunteer photographers who conduct intimate portrait sessions to capture moments between the baby and family. The professional-level photographers are present in over 40 countries worldwide.

[16:15] “So after Ryann was born, we had found out that she had died because of the cord wrapped around her neck four times. We pretty much had to be in the perfect situation of being in the hospital, the proper doctors around everything, and maybe nobody knows what would have happened. So, complete cord accident”.

The term “cord accident” is often used when a baby dies before birth and the umbilical cord appears to be involved, but it’s important to understand that this is a non-specific and informal term, not a clear medical diagnosis. The phrase “cord accident” refers broadly to situations in which the cord’s function may have been compromised enough to affect the baby’s oxygen supply, possibly leading to stillbirth.

Umbilical cord abnormalities, such as a tight cord around the neck (nuchal cord), true knots or cord prolapse, can sometimes interfere with oxygen flow. However, many of these findings — especially nuchal cords — are common and usually harmless. A nuchal cord is found in about one-third of births and, in most cases, does not cause any harm to the baby. When the cord is unusually compressed, twisted, or positioned in a way that repeatedly cuts off oxygen, it may contribute to a rare but tragic outcome. It’s important to recognize that while the cord can sometimes play a role in stillbirth, most cord findings are not dangerous, and using the term “cord accident” can sometimes oversimplify complex causes of fetal loss that are not yet well understood in the medical community.

[16:32] “There were no CuddleCotsTM in the hospital at that time”.

CuddleCotsTM provide continuous regulated cooling enabling families extended time to take photos, create memories, welcome extended family, receive support and make arrangements without feeling rushed.

[18:44] “So I learned that Nathan had to get paperwork done up to transport a dead body between province to province to province to province…”

Air transportation of human remains

Transporting human remains in Canada (PDF)

Ground transport of embalmed human remains in Canada

After a death: first steps after someone dies (British Columbia)

[31:51] “Actually the year that we moved home, her next birthday was actually her champagne birthday”.

A champagne birthday is the birthday when your age matches the day of the month you were born on, for example, Ryann’s champagne birthday was her 12th birthday on June 12th.

[2:06] “She was born at 33 weeks, and she was a NICU baby”

Babies born at 33 weeks are premature and may require specialized care to help them transition to life outside the womb.

NICU - or Neonatal Intensive Care Unit - is a specialized hospital unit that provides care for premature or critically ill newborn infants. A NICU is equipped with advanced technology and staffed by a multidisciplinary team of experts to address various medical conditions that may arise in a premature infant. BC Women’s Hospital + Health Centre NICU

[3:01] “I didn’t know the word stillbirth, we had signs that there were difficulties in our pregnancy from the 12-week ultrasound and then the 18-week ultrasound and the next five weeks of MFM visits”

Maternal Fetal Medicine (MFM) specialists are expert physicians that support high-risk pregnancies. MFM appointments are typically for pregnant people who have pre-existing medical conditions, develop complications during pregnancy, or whose babies have health issues. MFM specialists care may include diagnostic tests and treatment to support the well-being of both the birthing person and the baby. BC Women’s Hospital + Health Centre MFM

[5:21] “So with James, like I said, we had indications there appeared to be less amniotic fluid than was normal”.

Amniotic fluid is the protective liquid that surrounds a developing baby in the uterus throughout the pregnancy. This fluid acts as a cushion, protecting the baby from injury and temperature changes while allowing for movement and the baby's growth and development. Amniotic fluid contains important nutrients and antibodies.

Normal levels of amniotic fluid, measured by the Amniotic Fluid Index (AFI), typically range from 5-25cms. AFI measurements outside this range may indicate a problem.

A low level of amniotic fluid means there is less than the expected amount of amniotic fluid surrounding the baby in the uterus. A low level of amniotic fluid can affect the baby's development and potentially lead to complications during labour and delivery.

[7:20] “I think it’s called the antenatal unit, okay yeah”

An antenatal unit is a specialized hospital area that provides care for pregnant people experiencing complications that require hospitalization before delivery. These units focus on monitoring and managing pregnancies to support the health of the birthing person and the baby.

[9:38] “Well, just the care team that I had, I was followed by a high risk OBGYN”.

A high-risk OBGYN, also known as a maternal-fetal medicine specialist (MFM) or perinatologist, is an obstetrician-gynecologist (OBGYN) who specializes in managing pregnancies that carry an increased risk for the birthing person, baby or both. These physicians have advanced training and expertise in addressing the unique challenges and potential complications associated with pregnancy.

[19:15] “I also work at South Community Birth Program

The South Community Birth Program (SCBP) is a health clinic based in Vancouver, Canada, open to all pregnant people. The SCBP is staffed by a group of physicians, registered midwives, nurses and doulas. SCBP provides care during pregnancy, labour and birth, and six weeks postpartum.

[19:31] “But there is recent research that has shown that in high income countries, when they look at people who’ve had a first stillbirth, they actually are more likely in their next pregnancy to either have another stillbirth or to have a complication in pregnancy.

Resources

• Butterfly Run Vancouver perinatal loss support group
• Anya Mostrenko, anyamostrenkocounselling@gmail.com – registered clinical counsellor
• Become a Butterfly Run race day volunteer

Glossary of terms, non-medical

• Bereavement box: a box used for storing mementos that may be personalized with the baby’s name, picture or some other design element. Bereavement boxes can provide a special place to keep memory aids. Contact your local hospital to speak with a social worker if you are interested in donating items for a bereavement box
• Compound grief: also known as cumulative grief; occurs when several losses pile up over one another
• Ambiguous loss: when a baby is stillborn, parents and family members may struggle for years to find out why the baby died, if answers even exist. Surviving siblings may grieve a baby who died before they were born. Society may dismiss stillbirth as an invisible death, yet the grief parents and families experience after a stillbirth can be lifelong
• Mourning rituals: ways of honouring your child such as taking pictures, making molds of their hand and foot prints, and/or saving a lock of their hair
• Continued bonds: connection that extends beyond the life of a loved one. Examples of continuing bonds include using your baby’s name in stories, keeping a journal about them, wearing jewellery, or visiting places that remind you of them
• Self activism: the sense of empowerment that follows a loss as one seeks to change the world around them for the better. Some examples include raising awareness of, and reducing the stigma around stillbirth, advocating for improved care for the bereaved, and offering support to other bereaved parents
• Complicated grief: ongoing, heightened state of mourning that keeps you from healing. Symptoms may include: intense sorrow, emotional pain, and rumination over the loss of your loved one

Quotes

• “Grief is like the ocean”, quote by Vicky Harrison
• “You don’t know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice”, quote by Bob Marley

Medical glossary of terms

• Placental abruption: The placenta is a round organ that forms in the early part of pregnancy in the uterus. It supports the growth and well-being of the pregnancy in a number of ways through its connection to the developing baby through the umbilical cord. Placental abruption occurs in 1 in 100 people when the placenta separates from the wall of the uterus too early, before the baby is born
• Hemorrhaging: The loss of a lot of blood in a short period of time. This can occur for various reasons during pregnancy and childbirth. Bleeding may happen internally (inside the body) or externally (outside the body)
• Hemorrhaging from placental abruption: Placental abruption may cause hemorrhaging
• D&C: Dilation and curettage (D&C) is a procedure to remove tissue from inside the uterus through the cervix
• Low iron levels from hemorrhaging (PDF): It is common to have low iron levels after a placental abruption with hemorrhaging. When this happens you may feel weak, short of breath or lightheaded

Resources

• Blog: Born Still but Still Born by Emma Hansen
• Still: A Memoir of Love, Loss and Motherhood by Emma Hansen
• Second Firsts by Christina Rasmussen
• On Death and Dying (1969) by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross includes her framework of the 5 stages of grief: anger, denial, bargaining, depression and acceptance
• The 5 stages of grief and other lies that don’t help anyone by Megan Devine
• Reid’s Reads by Emma Hansen, family and friends
• "Grief is love with no place to go", quote by Jamie Anderson
• Donating milk after stillbirth
• On Being, with Krista Tippett: Guest Rachel Naomi Remen “How we live with loss”. Original aired August 11th, 2005

Glossary

• Cervidil® (dinoprostone) – a medication delivered through the vagina to assist with labour by softening the cervix and preparing it for birth. Cervidil and induction of labour

Resources

• Mamas for Mamas
• TFMR Mamas
  

Glossary

Spina bifida myelomeningocele: Spina bifida is a birth defect that affects the spine and spinal cord. During early development, the neural tube, which eventually forms the spinal cord and brain, doesn't close properly. This leads to a gap or opening in the bones of the spine, causing a range of potential complications. When someone has spina bifida, it means that their spinal cord and the protective covering around it may not fully develop or may be exposed. The severity can vary, with some individuals experiencing minor symptoms while others may have more significant challenges. Spina bifida occulta is the most mild and common form and myelomeningocele is the most severe and rare.

Chiari II malformation: also known as Arnold-Chiari malformation, is a structural defect in the brain that is present at birth (congenital). It is often associated with spina bifida, specifically myelomeningocele. In Chiari II malformation, the lower part of the brain, called the cerebellum, is displaced downward through an opening at the base of the skull called the foramen magnum. This displacement causes the cerebellum and parts of the brainstem to extend into the upper spinal canal. This abnormal positioning and pressure can disrupt the flow of cerebrospinal fluid (CSF), the fluid that surrounds and cushions the brain and spinal cord. Chiari II malformation can lead to various neurological symptoms and complications. Common symptoms include headaches, neck pain, difficulty swallowing, problems with coordination and balance, muscle weakness, and sensory issues.

Severe hydrocephalus: Build up of excess cerebrospinal (CSF) in the brain.

Folic acid and neural tube defects (like spina bifida): Folic acid is a B vitamin. If a person has enough folic acid in their body before and during pregnancy, it can help prevent major birth defects of the baby’s brain and spine. People who are pregnant need 400 micrograms (mcg) of folic acid every day. Taking folic acid before and during the 1st three months of pregnancy does not guarantee the baby will not have spina bifida, but it can significantly reduce the risk. Research has shown that if people who could become pregnant took a multivitamin with folic acid, the risk of neural tube defects like spina bifida could be reduced by up to 70%.

Book referred to: Alan D. Wolfelt.(2001). Healing Your Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas. Compassionate advice and simple activities to help you through your loss. Companion Press, CO. www.centerforloss.com.

Nonstress test (NST) is a screening test used in pregnancy to assess the baby’s heartbeat patterns. It can show heart rate changes when the baby moves and may show changes when the uterus contracts, such as happens during labour.

CuddleCots are small, portable, lightweight units that enable families experiencing the loss of their baby at any age or gestation to spend more time together. The unit is connected to a hose and mat. The baby is placed on top of the mat, which ensures that the baby remains cool. A CuddleCot was not available to Erin and Cameron after Briar was born which limited the amount of time they could spend with her. As a result of their experience, Erin and Cameron started a fundraising campaign to purchase Cuddlecots for local communities in Briar’s memory, and to give other families the gift of more time with their babies. Read more about Briar's Story - A CuddleCot Fundraiser.

Related resources

• Lactation after loss
• Informal Milk Sharing

Dry Creek Mountain View Cemetery Infant Graves Area: The dry creek landscape is a memorial garden commemorating more than 6,000 infants interred at Mountain View Cemetery between 1914 and 1972. This area is not available for additional interments and families may not add their own stones to commemorate babies who are not already buried there.

Mountain View Cemetery currently provides burial spaces for babies along the hedge on the west side of the cemetery between 34th and 36th Avenues. These spaces are provided at no charge; however, there is a cemetery fee of $205 for the burial. Families may order a permanent marker at an additional cost.

At the end of 2023 the program will be modified to provide space for infant interment with no individual markers allowed. Cemetery fees will still be applied. Commemoration will be optional on a shared marker provided by the cemetery. If families wish to have a burial space where they can provide an individual marker, sites can be purchased for $2,000 (for caskets under 24”) or for $4,000 (for caskets up to 48”).

Quote by Earl A. Grollman, "Grief is love's unwillingness to let go".

Related resources

• Lactation after loss